


What's That Smell?

by UprightIguana



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-03
Updated: 2004-09-03
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UprightIguana/pseuds/UprightIguana
Summary: none





	What's That Smell?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Walter Skinner pulled up in the driveway of the house and turned off the engine with some relief. It had been a long day, and he had been looking forward to the familiarity of home since before lunch. Home nowadays was vastly different from the condo in Crystal City. An austere place whose only compensation was the view, Walter had been easily persuaded to move further out into the suburbs, away from the Beltway, into a sprawling Spanish Mediterranean, complete with large backyard and basement rec room and a sinfully luxurious master suite.

 

He still hadn't quite gotten over the feeling of satisfaction every time he came up the driveway into the big 3-car garage under the spanish arches. Especially when both the 4-Runner and the Mustang Convertible were in.

 

The tension in his shoulders was markedly lessening as he entered the house, jacket slung over his arm, tie already loosened. He was halfway through the dining room when the smell stopped him in his tracks.

 

It wasn't very strong at first, but the odor had a distinct, sickening sweet flavor that reminded of rotting vegetables. It was so strongly botanical that he immediately thought of the exhibit featuring that Corpse Flower, the giant Little-Shop-of-Horrors-type plant with the dizzyingly bad smell.

 

Grimacing, he dropped his keys in the little ceramic dish that looked like an alien's hand, and followed the smell. Fortunately, it seemed to be leading him back out to the covered lanai and backyard, even though the house's more usual smells of Lemon Pledge and carpet freshener were completely obliterated by the pungent cloying odor. He stepped through the screen into the backyard and the evening dusk.

 

Fox Mulder was standing with his arms folded and his body language distinctly curled in disgust, as he watched Alex Krycek sitting in front of what looked like a disseminated green hedgehog. He was using his prosthetic arm to hold a painfully sharp spiky ... fruit? And with his other hand, was segmenting the lethal green hid to reveal a white pulp and creamy golden meat.

 

It was this creamy golden meat wrapped around tan-colored seeds that smelled like freshly turned compost-heap.

 

"Walter," Mulder turned watering eyes to his lover. "Make him stop."

 

"Just *try* it, Mulder," said Alex, as he picked up a seed and tore the soft creamy meat, smacking his lips with great relish.

 

"It smells like something died, Alex".

 

"Does not!"

 

Walter would have stepped forward but for the thicken wall of rotting odor that was almost visibly stopping him. "What is it, Alex?"

 

With very great patience, Alex explained. "It's a durian."

 

"What's a doo-rian?"

 

"It's a tropical fruit - "

 

"Walter, it's a deadly secret biological weapon." Mulder was all but pouting.

 

"-a tropical fruit found in equatorial South East Asia - Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia," Alex was all but sucking the pod-like seed and licking his lips. "They grow on tall trees, and you can't pick them until they're ripe."

 

Walter felt his eyes beginning to water, and despite himself, he had to ask, "So how do you get them?"

 

"They fall." Alex dug up another seed and began to dig into the fleshy aromatic pulp. The smell was growing stronger. "At three or four in the morning. Just as well, don't you think? It could kill someone. They average six or seven pounds each."

 

Walter turned away long enough to close the patio door, checking surreptitiously that all the windows on that side of the house were closed.

 

"Where did you get it, Alex?"

 

"They're in season now in the Asian stores. Had to drive across three towns to get to one." Alex started to rip open a new segment, causing a new wave of durian smell to waft up at his two lovers. If they had back up some more, they would have been leaning against the house.

 

"How d'you even *know* about these things?"

 

Alex waved his hand dismissively. "Hong Kong. Sure you don't want any? It's really good. You gotta try it."

 

Mulder shuddered visibly, and Walter shook his head. "Can't get past the smell, Alex. You really like it?"

 

Alex's eyes grew heavy with satisfaction. "Heaven on earth."

 

When he was done, the segmented pieces of fruit lay in a deadly green-spiked minefield around him. He stood and gathered up the debris, using his prosthetic to actually grasp the spines. When he was done, he straightened and caught his two lovers still looking at him like he had been dropped off a passing spaceship.

 

He sighed dramatically. "At least I didn't break out the hundred-year eggs."

 

Mulder rolled his eyes, and Walter, with tolerance befitting a saint, asked, politely, "Hundred-year eggs, Alex?"

 

"Um hmm. Duck eggs, packed and buried in mud, allowed to ferment for years. The yolk turns black and the egg white become this cool black gelatinous stuff. It goes great with sliced pickled ginger." He paused, holding the tightly wrapped garbage-bag in mid-swing, noting the horrified stares of his two lovers. "What ... it's a Chinese delicacy." He paused. "You can even put it in porridge for breakfast!"

 

"Who are you, and what have you done with my lover?" Mulder demanded.

 

"But you like *grits*," said Alex accusingly. "And cream of wheat."

 

Mulder nodded. "Don't be impuning grits. They're eaten with wonderful things like honey and sugar and milk and fresh strawberry preserves, not pickled ginger! I mean, I can even understand Marmite and Vegemite and Bovril, but this - this is what hell must smell like!"

 

Walter snorted with laughter, trying to swallow it as much as possible. Alex looked indignant as he began to approach them, to take the offendingly pungent garbage to the trash can. As he stepped up, two different hands reached out and stopped him short of the sliding door.

 

"Where d'you think you're going, boy?"

 

Alex looked from one to the other, confused. "I'm going to throw this away-"

 

"If you think you're setting foot in the house smelling like that, you can think again," Mulder was already grabbing Alex's sweatshirt and tugging it up, as Walter began working the zipper on his jeans, peeling back the black demin and yanking it down his thighs.

 

"Wha - " holding onto the garbage bag with his good hand, Alex was effectively hobbled, unable to stop his lovers as they quickly and efficiently stripped him, not stopping until he stood completely naked in the backyard. Walter snagged the bag by the handles and gingerly set it down as though it might explode, and looked at his lover's pale naked skin, his cock already semi-hard. He couldn't resist it, his hand reaching for Alex's cock, leaning in for a kiss. Just a couple of inches shy of his target, Walter stopped dead and pulled back.

 

"What's the matter, Walter?" from Mulder.

 

Walter wrinkled his nose. "The smell sticks to *everything*, doesn't it?"

 

Alex nodded a little dreamily, his hips jerking against Walter's grasp. "Yeah. In Asia, they're banned in subways and taxis and other forms of public transport."

 

Walter looked over at Mulder. "That's it. Time for a scrub down."

 

An evil look crossed Mulder's pretty hazel eyes. "Loofah and oatmeal scrub?"

 

Walter nodded. "Lead the way" he said, handing Alex's cock over to Mulder, who took it in a firm grip that made Alex gasp and leading him by it into the house and up the stairs. Walter took the trouble to walk the offending garbage bag around the outside of the house to the trash can on the sidewalk, before jogging back into the house, as he heard the shower come on. He closed the patio door firmly, and grinned evilly, as he loped up the stairs to join his lovers, unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

 

 

The End

 

To see what a durian looks like, here is a photo gallery:

http://www.ecst.csuchico.edu/~durian/allphoto.htm

 

I looked and looked, but couldn't find pictures of 100-year eggs.

Maybe it's just as well...


End file.
